Teaching manners to the devil...

2004-01-09T19:40:00.000-06:00

ALMOST TWO YEARS!

And for 3/4 of that time, I haven't had the energy to really change anything about the layout.

I've got "Blogger Burnout". I need a LiveJournal, guys. What's that deal about the code-thingy? Ah, I guess I'll figure it out sooner or later...

...and maybe I'll make a separate series of archives in Blogger to reference all of the posts that I consider "worthy of hanging on to", i.e. any that are journal-like and not too ephemeral to enjoy. It'll be fun. But first...LiveJournal. Because a "friends" list could be fun, right?

2004-01-09T19:05:00.000-06:00

NEWSFLASH

I am capable of love. And how.

Okay, so maybe that's not so shocking. But today, Anne Rice and Gwen Stefani reminded me that I am capable of love, and more than that, I love more easily than most. And we're not just talking "I love you as a human being and a friend" stuff here. We're talking "I feel like I could spend the rest of my life in your eyes" or somesuch crap. So, in honor of my beloved (but not in the latter sense) friend, Scott Heaney, I outstretch my hand before my face, with all five digits extended. Four of these fingers represent the past, and one gives me hope for the future. The first finger--my "thumb of love", if you will--well, I was (and by some reports still am) supposed to marry her one day in the not-so-distant future. And a part of me will always remember the life that the two of us were going to have, no matter what may happen. The second finger represents the first boy that I ever really wanted--the biggest of unrequited loves, because I have never been able to have him, even for a while, as much as I have hoped for the day. The third finger is the girl who made my senior year of high school into what it was. I've never felt quite so passionate or confused about any one person since. And there's a reason that she now gets the middle finger. Not from hostility or resentment, but from general fed-up-i-ness. (Who says that seventeen-year-olds can't have some form of mature love for not one, but two different people? I did. Heh. Don't you just love denial? I've perfected it as an art form.) The fourth finger, much like the first, is now one of my closest friends and most trusted confidantes, and he is also the person that gave me the strength to become the person that I am today. Were it not for the events that took place between us, would I be able to be honest with myself about the person that I have been for as long as I care to remember? Ummm...I wish I could answer that, sometimes. But most of the time I'm just content with the way that it all did happen. And finally, that last finger...that pinky finger, the smallest of the five...that is the future. It is a person that I have been denying feelings for in the face of whatever new thing was suddenly presented to me, or because of whatever new comment left me full of distaste and general stabbiness. He has been what I wanted ever since I had a taste of his true self. (::hoping that the pun in that is as good for others as it is for me::) Well, not "ever since"...I wanted him, then I wanted to kill him, then I got over wanting to kill him, then I wanted him again. :) And now I can't shake the feeling that I said a bit too much via email in one of my "my mind runneth over" moods, even though it's mostly illogical.

Oy. This, from the one who always thought that he couldn't love. Maybe it would be healthier if I'd just let myself be capable of things. :)

2003-12-28T03:05:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I've mentioned it before. I cry over things now. I watched the third "Lord of the Rings" movie last weekend...cried there. I read an old comic book that I've had since I was 9, and I even cried during that. But still...

I don't even know why I was reading gay porn stories in the first place. Surely I have better things to do with my time--it's really late, and even if I don't sleep, I got DVDs for Christmas. But I have found the most well-written stories on those erotic fiction sites ever. It's called "The Human Condition", and I've spent the better part of the last two hours--okay, maybe more--reading and crying. And this is not in the "gay porn makes me sad because I'm lonely and embittered" realm of things--it's because some of the subject matter is really, really touching. Really.

2003-12-14T02:18:00.000-06:00

Tonight, I watched the first half of Angels in America, a drama about AIDs and homosexuality in the Reagan era and religion, based on a Broadway play, being shown on HBO. And it was more amazing than I could have expected--some of the acting, some of the scenes in this were just dizzying. Patrick Wilson's role as a heavily closeted Mormon is one of the finest characterizations I've seen in a while, and...well, I'm sounding too much like a film critic, and a cheesy one at that. But it's true, and, goddammit, I'd make a good film critic. I cannot wait for the second half.

The semester is over, I came home yesterday, and everything is done. I did fairly well. I made it through the papers, the stresses, the complete and total large amounts of everything. There are loose ends...the conferences that I am going to attend, the money that was never reimbursed for Becky Foreman regarding URG...but it's really all done. And then a fresh start in January. Every semester, a fresh start. Every semester, my life changes so dramatically, in ways that I'd never expect. And I hope that I can just make the best of these changes.

I'm in Rockwood. I haven't had a cigarette today. I haven't managed to get ahold of the friends that I need to see, but I did converse with one of their mothers...and the things that she told me about the life of one of my best friends are not pretty. I can only hope for the best, but I'm worried. I'm worried that she will get herself into a situation that she can't get out of, I'm worried that she'll end up pregnant, I'm worried that she might be on drugs, or that she'll lose her job, or that I'll lose her. And that's the selfish one. I'm afraid that, with this guy in her life, and with me being gone and unavailable to her, I've already lost her. And I will do whatever is necessary to see that that has not been the case.

Yes, both of my parents know about the smoking. Both of them just assume that I'm quitting. They assume wrong, but that doesn't stop the guilt, the willingness to try to convince myself that I don't still need them. And that's falling apart. I do need the nicotince. Right now. A lot.

I'm so very, very lonely sometimes. That's what Angels in America reminded me of. I see what it is that I do not have, I have convinced myself for so long that I do not need it, but I do. I still feel alone in a crowd somedays, and I don't want that anymore. I want someone for me, just like all the rest of these people around me have. For once in my life, I think that I deserve some happiness shared between another person and myself, and I want all that I deserve to have.

With time, Jeff...with time. Let's see what the new year shall bring, and let us hope that it is good.

I have a cell phone now.

And the reason that I'm not smoking right now? Rain. I actually cannot smoke in the house, and it's raining quite hard based on the sound of it. Cigarettes and rain do not mix.

2003-12-11T00:50:00.000-06:00

The semester is over, almost.

It has been so, so long since I have updated. Partially because I would prefer to move to Livejournal but as of yet have not had the chance (not because I don't like Blogger, but because I would be joining what is more of a Livejournal community, and that would be more likely to get posted to). I should be writing a paper due about 12 hours from now, but I feel the need to post. Partially because I'm the only one around here at the moment. And I feel like I am the only person left in my world. I've been procrastinating a lot lately, as well as doing other things that have not boded well for my studying. In fact, I think I'm going to be pulling several B's this semester, and that could be bad for my GPA. No Honors full member status for next semester, eh? Which is not so much the problem...it's the fact of dealing with the bitchiness from my parents that I will receive about this. And the fact that it is my own fault, not because I didn't understand any material, but because I did not put in the amount of work that I should have. I set a goal of achieving at least a 3.5 after this semester, and I don't think that I'm pulling it off. Which means that it is more important for next semester. After all, I do want to go to graduate school, and I want to do this as easily as possible. But I do not want to better my performance in school by cutting out any activities...well, I might end up cutting the radio station, not because I don't enjoy it, but because I slept through the meeting last week and therefore did not get a timeslot for finals week.

Enough complaining about school. I would still say that I'm doing well. It's a pity that I don't think I will be sharing more of my work with my family...but I don't think that they would appreciate my work on bisexuality that I did. In fact, I never mentioned it at all to them, because that would just be an odd conversation. I'm still not out to them...well, I basically outed myself to my mother, but she is denying that that conversation ever happened. Much as she is the one in which I told her that I smoke. Which I do. Because I want to. Not as much as I want to, of course...because I'd probably die soon if I smoked every 30 minutes or more. And I don't want to die, really. Well, not soon, at any rate.

Change of focus again. I almost have a love life. At the very least, I have a sex life. But right now, I think I've reached the conclusion that I want to give things a try. You see, apparently there has been some thoughts about dating between me and someone else. Not seriously dating, of course, but something sort of casual. And I think that I want to fling myself into this full-force and hope that the things that I would actually want in a relationship could occur. (What I want: sex, going out on actual dates, lots of conversation, sleeping in the same bed at least some of the time, maybe the occasional public display of affection. I don't want anything beyond that yet. Love and commitment are too messy to even remotely consider.) But I don't know.

Life is weird.

2003-10-05T14:01:00.000-05:00

Nicotine addictions and you: considerations for the reason behind inhaling.

I walked for a few minutes today, smoking a cigarette...a vanilla clove, Djarum to be exact. It was good. I was considering new ways to properly inhale. I've developed into a laziness about it, a habit-within-a-habit that, while not only puts ever-so-slightly less nicotine into my lungs, gets the cigarette itself a little bit slobbery. So I thought about it and realized that it was an unconscious action, one easily adapted into a new unconscious action with somewhat better effects. Best bang for my buck, and all that. And then I realized, while singing to myself in my usual skewed tone (someday I'll figure out how different my actual vocal pitch is from what I hear, and learn how to account for it...I might even be able to sing afterwards...but I digress), that I only get the urge to sing loudly when smoking. To me, nicotine has become a song. A song that many cannot appreciate, and by choice never will. A song that my mind resonates with as much as any other that I love. A song that I have at times tried to suppress for the sake of my eventual health but have not been able to successfully. A song that I want to never abandon--rather, I want to shout it from the rooftops in my usual skewed tone (ha!). A song that will kill me slowly and painfully, with every intake of air coming as the result of agonizing struggle. And I don't want to stop smoking, period. I like the smell, the taste, the way it makes me feel, the aesthetics of walking around smoking a cigarette. Yes, it's not good reasoning, yes, it's partially shallow, no, I don't care right now. I can rationalize it. I can do it when I can afford it, and avoid when I can't. Yes, that means I could quit. Will I? I don't know. Right now, I don't want to for a very long while. And that's all there is to it. I apologize.

2003-09-18T17:23:00.000-05:00

It's hard to hide a hardon when you're dressed like Minnie Pearl.

Still lonely. Still unmotivated. Craving intimacy, seeking single male interested in the same. If I already know them, that is. Or if they just want to meet me, that's fine, too. Note: intimacy does not imply love, nor does it even necessarily infer sex. Although I won't complain when either of those two find me. Plus, I'm not seeking so much as just wanting, because seeking is harder than it sounds.

Hair is currently multiple shades of blue, green, and yellow. Today I like it.

I don't know what I'm doing this weekend. Or ever. I want nothing and everything. I'm listening to Johnny Cash, and his death still saddens me. I worry about everyone...well, only a few people. I'm alone right now, in the literal sense.

MBTI type changed. I've moved from XNTP, leaning more I, strong on all the rest, to an XNXP, leaning E, leaning F. Mmm...ENFP. No surprise there.

2003-09-13T15:42:00.000-05:00

My hair has been three colors this week. Black. Goldish-blond. Blue. I wish that I had had the chance to show off the gold more, but you dye your hair when you have the chance, right? I think every shade of blue is represented somewhere on my head.

So, here it is. I'm lonely. I'm unmotivated. And not only am I indulging in immoral activities, they're repeating the past. Grrrreat. Consistency is valued, but I can only take so much. How's about something new?

2003-09-11T14:17:00.000-05:00

A week ago, I said that life was great. It was. It is. And that doesn't matter one damn bit sometimes. At least if I'm going to be depressed, I'd like a reason...other than empathic depression...or a resounding loneliness...or the feeling of being unable to find the desire within myself to do something as simple as writing an email, for no reason at all other than the fact that I feel somewhere within my mind that noone who reads it will care what I'm saying. But oh, the times can be happy...I can have fun...there's only one thing that I crave, one thing that can rejuvenate my purpose, one thing to resolve my meaninglessness, one simple thing that exists in abundance, yet never in the form that you're looking for.

One thing that I know can hurt me if I let it fill me up too quickly or too much. One thing that I want to be able to say I've dealt with, I've felt, I finally know that I'm really capable of...because at this point I don't know if I am.

But damnit, there's no need to feel this way. I am everything that it takes for me to be happy. I need nothing to fulfill my life, and besides, you never know how long anything will last. I don't want a miserable little fling...well, okay, maybe I do, but that's not all I want.

I want some real, tangible relationship. I want to be comfortable with another person in all ways possible. And maybe...just maybe...if everything manages to work out just right, if things don't end as quickly as I'm sure that they will...

...I want love.

2003-09-04T16:54:00.000-05:00

Maybe if I'd update more often I'd have more to say.

Point one: life is great. I've been going through day after day of feeling like I'm really in the right place, and I love it. I'm quite overbooked...of course.

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday
10:30
11:00	Honors American History		Honors American History		Honors American History
11:30	Honors American History		Honors American History		Honors American History
12:00		Intro to Philosophy		Intro to Philosophy
12:30
1:00
1:30
2:00	Intro to Research		Intro to Research	WTTU(?)	Intro to Research
2:30	Intro to Research		Intro to Research		Intro to Research
3:00
3:30
4:00			Peer Mentoring Hon1010
4:30
5:00
5:30
6:00	Law Colloquium	Law Enforcement
6:30
7:00
7:30
8:00
8:30
9:00			Eclectic Society or URG

That doesn't include the weekend, becuase it's less written in stone...every other week, at 7pm on Saturday, I show the Mindful Movie. Most Sundays, I go to Unity Church of the Cumberlands (yep, that's right, a church...with me in it...regularly) at around 11ish...then mentor meetings starting at 2. And then there's the other committee that I'm a member of. And then there's the fact that I've got like 60 pages of research to do this semester. Fun. So, that's me, overextended Jeffrey. Only not too badly. So, other than that, I mostly need physical contact, and lots of it. The only good opportunity for what I want, however...is in Rockwood. But oh...oh, that would be so great. (Take a lucky guess at what my biggest frustration is right now...even more so thatn my current lack of work or car.) I might be getting a job, as well...at Cosmo, a bar and grill not too far from here. Maybe. I think. So, to finish off, I know oa lot of people that I really like to be around, I enjoy living with my roommate even if he is confusing, and I'm fairly content. I also intend to vastly overcommit myself even more as time goes by, as well as making a trip back to Rockwood for friendship and fulfillment...sometime. I promise. As for now...here I am. Oh, yeah...I'm also going to Buzzfest in two days. Yay!

2003-06-22T21:45:00.000-05:00

Shall I be introspective? (LONG LONG LONG, a little bit explicit, a little bit whiny)

Well, first off, my time in Cookeville got decidedly less stressy and uncomfortable shortly after my last post. Good for me, eh? I hadn't worn out any welcomes, as I was reminded of (rather sweetly, I might add). So, back to the house, back to "nothing much happening", with the exclusion of everything that's always going weird here lately. I've had some odd things develop lately (which, Rockwood person(s), I haven't shared yet for a reason, give me time) that have served to make me feel more like a part of a family than I have in a while. Yes, we may all be nuts...yes, my parents might try to be overly controlling and have a preternatural ability for complaining (hey, I had to get it from somewhere, right?)...but we are family. "Families is where our nation takes hope, where wings take dream," as President George W. Bush once said (no, really). Even if you don't like your family that much, you have to identify with them. At least a few (but nowhere near most) of my weird experiences have involved my family. And aside from that...I've been thinking. A lot. As usual. I've been examining myself like always, and I might be feeling unusually honest about myself.

Love: Okay, so I'm good at being alone. I'm the guy who never has a relationship, and when I do, it's rather short-lived. I don't express the kind of love that people tend to think of as a necessity for everyday life (I disagree, anyway). I don't do happy-couple-ness. I'm not good at having so much as a normal sex life, as in one that doesn't provide me with screwed-up neuroses and funny stories to tell. Funny stories can get tiresome, you know? It would nice to have a sweet, sane, pleasant, erotic tale to stick in there somewhere. Being a punchline gets old. So, at any rate...when I'm looking objectively, I see something in myself...an attractive face, a presence, something that I think someone out there would legitimately be interested in. But nope. The total number of prospects I have is someone that I will be able to marry someday, like June of 2009. That's about it. I have the groundwork for a happy relationship...6 years in the future. Just a measly 6 years...the longest 6 years of my life? The years when I should be out having fun, sowing my wild oats? If I can't do mindless fucking without creating odd stories that I may or may not be entirely forthcoming about...if I can't date someone without making the stories even odder...if I can't even somehow manage to meet a single person at college that I would seriously consider the idea of dating for even a short while...could I pull off the marriage thing? Would I not somehow screw things up in the process? It's not like I've known that many people, ever, that have genuinely been attracted to me...I was just gifted with the ability to really listen, and somehow some people like that. I can't even pull off "charming" unless I'm in a certain, highly extroverted, usually somewhat self-deprecating, mood. I just don't want to spend the intervening years between 19 and starting a family alone. And then, there's the issue of gender...meaning other people's, not mine. I want to have a public, visible relationship with someone that I care about, but not a serious one. That's all. I want it to be about a connection with another person, intellectually, sexually, emotionally, spiritually. That would be nice. But how do I do it? And what sort of person do I do it with? How do I work it out that I have no intention of falling in love, but that I want something that will actually make both of us feel better? I see her...you...the "marriagable" one that I mentioned earlier, if you will...pull it off nicely. Where can someone find someone that interested, that committed, that loving, and still know where you stand? I want to do it. And even then...man? Woman? I mean, really, now...it depends on the person. I don't care about someone for their genitalia...although it does play a part. For example, vaginas are weird. I don't really find them to be easy--or even necessarily pleasurable--to deal with, at least in my experience. Wouldn't I rather not deal with one full-time? That's a good question. Plus, I have to keep in mind the fact that, recently, sex hasn't always worked out well for me. Something inside me is holding me back from it, which can cause problems with the actual "culmination" of the act. Not that any of this even comes up very often...at all...but if I were to be in a relationship, it would be an issue. I relate to people in too much of a physical manner for it not to be. So, where do I stand? Am I some anomaly, the type of person that people just don't see themselves with? Am I too good at playing the friend to play the boyfriend?

Friendship: I lose 'em all, don't I? Oh, sure, I have people in Cookeville that, despite my worries, I was able to pick back up with just like that. Well, mostly...there were moments that felt tenuous. But that seems like it was all based on my paranoia. So, is that what's true here? I don't talk to people that I should talk to, simply because I don't feel like I should always be the one to keep contacting and contacting, never to get so much as a phone call (yeah, this does refer to some of my friends in Rockwood...but that's about as specific as I should intentionally be). One of my closest friends I simply don't talk to, for reasons I don't understand...we could call each on a regular basis (although not altogether frequently, given the circumstances), but we only do it on rare occasions. I love everytime that I get the chance to speak to her, I know that we have both said to the same person that we are each one of the only people from around here that we care about talking to anymore...yet we speak so rarely. It feels like we're not close, even though everything in me says differently. Another of my closest friends doesn't really talk to me...she talks at me, always about her fiance who is away, in training, where she can't speak to him regularly. And I know that, when he's around, there's nothing else in her mind. Nothing. She says that I'm the only friend that she has, but I wonder sometimes if she really has me. And I don't even know if that's awful of me or merely warranted. I don't like for people to think primarily of me and my concerns...in fact, if they have, I would like to apologize for it, because if I'd realized that they were focusing on my needs, I'd most definitely do what I could to relieve them of the burden and take care of it myself. But conversely, I don't feel good about friendships in which a person's mind is obviously giving no thought to anything besides themself and the one that they are madly in love with. It's a bit short-sighted, and not easy to associate with. You don't see people doing it very often, but when you do, it's a doozy. It's the syndrome that is colloquially referred to as "having their head up someone else's ass". And I feel bad for saying this...I love her for all our years of friendship, and I am taking full advantage of the fact that she doesn't have internet access in order to get this out of my system. It's not that it's a bad thing for her to be in love...in fact, I am so happy that she found this guy...but talking to her just feels so shallow and repetitive. Maybe it'll change when he's back in town...she'll end up calling less often, but the conversations will be more pleasant and more varied. I think. I don't know. As for other people, I just haven't talked to so many of them...how many of them can I still count as friends? Four? Six? Surely no more than that, probably less...and that's sad. It breaks my heart that I can't seem to break the barrier between myself and my old friends...and it's no one person's fault. Mine, theirs, everyone's. That makes it harder to understand, truly. The question, essentially, is this: Am I just paranoid? Is there any reason why I couldn't communicate with these people? Do I have some fundamental flaw that just turns people off...and is that flaw this same insecurity that causes me to ask this? Do I just not realize that I eventually have nothing to offer to these people? Or is it all coincidence, random patterns of timing that keep us from emailing or calling each other?

Whew. That's it. That's all. Goodnight.

2003-06-19T09:13:00.000-05:00

Alright...so here I am, in Cookeville, helping with the summer registrations. If you couldn't already guess, it's a slow morning. Painfully slow, even. Most everyone around here is a bit stressed out...hasn't exactly done wonders for the way things are going, but it is going. I'm not sure, but I'm beginning to feel that I've overstayed my time in Cookeville. At least the last round of the week will be done tomorrow...then it won't matter. I'll be leaving, without hesitation, ready to go back to everything that is going on in Rockwood...which, apparently, is a lot. Various things are hitting in a fairly short time, and I have neither an outlet for it nor a method of confirming most of it. So I'll ride it out, I'll do what I have to do, and then I'll leave. In August, everything will seem to be alright, and I'll even have the time to make it so. I just need something to keep me busy now. If I had my own room in this town right now, I'd hide out there until I was needed again.

2003-06-08T01:44:00.000-05:00

Male PMS, among other things.

Now it really has been a while, right? So it's about time that I feel like updating, just to write some things out. I've managed to keep myself fairly distracted, even considering the fact that I've not been talking to most of the people whose company I enjoy for various reasons, primarily being that I haven't simultaneously had both the time and desire to talk online. (Hmm...these online things must go hand-in-hand. I also haven't sent an email in ages, and it's obvious how much I've been updating this lately. In fact, I've debated on the reasons for keeping this site, I find it lacking.) Of course, you guessed it, I'm having an odd emotional streak...there are these random phases of self-loathing, especially while I'm in Wal-Mart (for some reason, the place makes me focus on everything that I don't like about the way I look, think, act, and live), and I've been crying over Simpsons reruns. If you're thinking that I'd make a good woman, you've got a point (although fuck off anyway, for good measure). I'm tired of a lot of things...I've had the pleasure of time spent with the 3 best friends I've ever had since I've been in Rockwood for the summer, but that's not enough (for one thing, there are a lot of other people that I'd like to speak to right about now). I need to go back to Cookeville for a few days. Since I'm obviously not going to get a call back from just about the only place that was hiring for a position during the day (and thus convenient for my non-car-having ass to get to), I need to fill my time enjoyably and semi-productively. It's not necessarily a good thing that I haven't been able to enjoy the time spent at home. Enough of this whining, I've gotten some out of my system, I've done.

See The Matrix Reloaded. Now, don't wait.

2003-05-28T22:15:00.000-05:00

I guess it is true that I haven't been updating lately. It is true that I need a change, I need something vastly different posthaste. I need to actually turn in this application to Shoe Show...shoes are fun, after all. I've been worrying about various people somehow involved in my life. I've been thinking about that cast of characters recently...the book does not lie in talking about myself. The book is in the detail that I have absorbed from the lives of all those around me. (Don't worry, folks, being vague and talking like there's someone there to read are still some of my talents.) Tonight I saw a GREAT movie by the name of One Hour Photo. It's the one with the creepy Robin Williams...and it's splendiferous. I have nothing more to add...maybe I'm done with this site and everything it had to offer me. Maybe I should be realizing what it is that I have to do to be living life to the fullest.

2003-05-17T21:29:00.000-05:00

Yep, I'm keeping my procrastination skills honed...both in looking for a job and in talking to my parents about the details of going to RenFest, I've been putting things off. I am still not sure whether or not I'd rather be in Cookeville...ask me around mid-August. To make myself happy, I updated both of the old pages that featured my CD collection. Being easily amused is so much fun...

2003-05-16T13:24:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been quite a while since I've posted much. First off, finals week went not as well as I'd hoped...however, I didn't fall far, nor is it beyond repair...I'll just have to retake that criminology class before I graduate, no biggy. Best to have good grades in classes within your major, after all. More importantly, I should tell you about my first day back here in Rockwood. This is an email that I sent out to the Minnows mailing list about it...I think it says everything you need to know. Just let me start by saying that I'm barely even sore anymore.

Saturday was the weirdest day of my life as of yet.

On Saturday, I was invited to go to this cave in Crossville with a few friends (Salt Peter Cave, I think they call it), so I went. We got to the cave at about 9:30. This cave is rather huge, and it takes a lot of effort to get all the way to the waterfall within the cave, which we did. To get there, we had to do two very nerve-wracking things. First, we had to repel down into this series of two holes, the first of which entailed landing on this ledge near a 40-foot dropoff. I did this without much difficulty and only some nervousness...basically, it was no big deal once it was over with. Closer to the actual falls, we had to crawl sideways along this space where the ceiling and floor were close together, and the floor sloped down to another huge dropoff. We had to do this twice, both coming and going to the falls, and I felt like I was going to fall both times. It was fairly frightening, but doable...esp since I had no choice the 2nd time. Before I go on, I have to say that the falls, and the cave itself, were beautiful, and it was a fun trip to get there...the falls weren't exactly huge and impressive, but they were nice, and part of the day was a very good experience.

And then we were on our way out, and it came to the point where we'd had to repel down the first time. We were back to that ledge which is surrounded by the dropoff, and to get back up, we have to climb up a rope, using our feet to stay against the wall. 3 of the people I was with manage to do this, each with increasing levels of difficulty. The other 2 people that I was with were still unwilling to even try it...one of them was scared shitless, the other had hurt her wrist already. It's my turn to go up...and I soon found out that I couldn't do it. I tried, and my feet wouldn't stay on the wall, and the 3 that were up weren't going to be able to just pull people up (and if they'd tried and failed, someone would've died, most likely). It's possible that I could train myself to be able to do that, to actually be able to keep my feet on the wall in a case when I'd have to be almost horizontal...but not when I'm nervous and in a dangerous situation. Besides, the other two people, my best friends...they weren't even going to try to go anywhere. In short, we're stuck. At this point it's 3:45. [note: I'm told that my attempt to leave was half-assed at best...so it's quite probable that my subconscious refused to leave the others down there by themselves.]

So 2 of the people are sent out to call...they want to call to get someone else to help them pull, they have to get out of the cave to get service on their cellphone, and in the process they stopped for pizza. I think we had a right to be annoyed by that, given the circumstances. It is 7:00 before the person they call...one of their fathers...comes, and he realizes that they can't safely pull anyone up. So then they call the rescue squad who isn't there until 10:00. It's almost midnight before we're entirely out of the cave...eight hours after we were stuck.

I can say without hesitance that this was most likely the hardest 8 hours of my life [okay, I said that on Sunday. the jury's out on that one.]. Caves are bitterly cold, and we had to make a fire at one point out of anything we could find...including our socks and underwear. At least we had a flashlight that worked the entire time...if we hadn't, I don't want to think about what might have happened. There were a couple of points at which my friend Kristi was so freaked out because she didn't think we were going to get out alive that she was thinking about falling off...I sat there for hours just holding on to her because we were so afraid for her life. I have never had as much fear as I did then...this may not be the greatest of life's hardships, but eight hours is a long time to be sitting there where a wrong move can make you fall what was honestly at least 40 feet. You get delusional after that much time, and you're so weak that you can barely move, even after getting out. It's at the very least a fucked up way to spend Saturday night, you know?

In the end, at least, everything was well...we got out without problems (with help from the Cumberland Rescue Squad, bless 'em all), and we were fine...one of us had a sprained wrist, but that's it. We were all shaken up and a little crazed during and afterwards, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been...for that I am more grateful than I have ever been before. It's still just so odd...I mean, I was honestly trapped in a cave for 8 hours, after having already been in there for 6. I think I've sworn off caves now, though. I have reaffirmed my love for flat ground. :) I'm sorry that this was so long...but I just had to get it out, and this seemed like the best way to do so. I am reminded of how much I love and appreciate everything...all of you, all of life in general. Things like this warp your perspective, and I'm just glad to be sitting here in front of a computer instead of on a rock. I hope that you all are well, and that your weekend has been slightly less eventful...I certainly feel better having said all of this. Thanks for reading.

--Jeff

2003-05-02T00:09:00.000-05:00

In my perfect college world, people go out to discuss their problems at donut shops after midnight. In my perfect college world, people have more time to worry about other people, and more occasion to do something about it. In my perfect college world, it is safe to realize that classes are not the most important things. In my perfect college world, there is no competition. In my perfect college world, things aren't so damn expensive. In my perfect college world, there is no going home, just ample amounts of time with nothing official to do and lots of people around with whom to do this. In my perfect college world, I get to be the one with the car that drives everyone else around.

2003-04-29T11:16:00.000-05:00

In-Turr-Tane-Mint!

Madrigal Feaste: ****
Windows on the World (WOW): ***1/2
Shakespeare's R&J: *****

All 3 of these forms of entertainment were quite satisfactory...specifically, since R&J is still playing, see it if you have not already. It has an all-male, unbelievably good cast. The gender boundaries blur...well, except in one important subtextual area. I'm not sure how most people saw this, but at the point of the first kiss between Romeo and Juliet, there are two levels of characterization immediately obvious: theShakespearean characters, and the schoolboys that are playing the characters within the play that you see. At the same time that you see a beautifully acted take on the classic, you see an even more beautiful (and subtle) exultation of 2 of these boys, seeming to not be repressed for the first time in their lives. I think one would have to look at the actors' expressions to really see this. I truly love the Backdoor Playhouse...it seems that they can do no wrong.

One last bit of entertaining information (well, hell, I'm entertained): I have my four little sibs. I'm excited...and you should be, too.

2003-04-25T16:18:00.000-05:00

Here it is...time for the bullshit to end. I let myself go a bit too slack in things...I didn't study for a test in what is a horribly easy class, and I bombed it. I've overslept and missed a handful of my first class of the day, meaning that I can't get a grading curve and I'm behind in preparing for the final. I stopped going into work, and aside from the money issues bearing down and the act of explaining this to my parents (they don't understand motivations like the ones I had, which were entirely intuitive and for the purpose of trying to feel better), I don't regret it. I've spent a lot of time doing things that I'm glad to have done...it's just that, when those things ended, I sat around, falling into a slump. It's like a pocket depression, a travel-size ennui...some disposable force that rears its head in those small spaces of time where I actually need to be productive or face the consequences. I haven't let anything get to the point of extreme problem...I mean, I've caused myself problems that are going to be an annoyance, and that I'm going to have to defend to others (those creatures of biological origin, once again) when I'm not even sure if I can defend them to myself. It's time for me to motivate myself. And after I get these finals done, I have to keep up the motivation. I have to have a job this summer if I want life to go smoothly. I am driven to somehow be creative, and to feel like I have something that I'm great at...I've lost my drumming, I'm not an exceptional writer, I don't have a singing voice, I'm no swimmer or runner, I've never been truly at the top of a class--not far from it, a lot of the time, but never at it. I don't know that there is anything that one could say I am truly great at...and while this may not be odd, there are days when, if I think of this, I feel like I want to cry...to wither away. Thoughts like this are not worth despairing over, but I'll be damned if it doesn't happen anyway. I need to keep motivated. I need a back massage and some amaretto sours. I need to find myself again. It's almost back-to-Rockwood time, and if I'm not at my best, I think I'll be pulled under by all of the things that I don't want to happen while I'm there.

And dammit, if you're going to sit through all this bitching, you should at least get an entertaining website out of it. Ever heard of Strongbad? If not, click the link...browse the site...idly entertain yourself for hours. Enjoy the simple things.

2003-04-24T17:20:00.000-05:00

I was assigned to a work study in the motor pool. I have not gone in for the entire month of April. Now, the money for this comes to me via paycheck, my scholarship did not depend on it. Also, I'd already worked 83.9 hours this semester, as I figured up from this new & improved Web for Employees feature of the Tech website. Workstudies require you to work for a minimum of 75 hours...I believe that is correct for all of them, if memory serves. So I've done that. Yet I feel guilty. This is money that I could've been earning, and now I'm running out of cash again. (Of course, I couldn't have gotten this money until after I'll already be done with finals and gone, at which point it will no longer be so imperative to have it anyway...but still.) I keep spending money...at the time of the spending, the prices seem reasonable (they are), and I feel like I have valid reason to spend...but none of it is necessary, and I never think about that until afterwards. And now I don't even have enough cash to pay for the things that I need to pay for! (Unless, of course, I sell a book back prior to May 1st...hmm, there's an idea. I know there are certain areas where I can be done with studying prior to that point.)

Whew. Now I feel better.

2003-04-23T21:08:00.000-05:00

Random realization of the evening: emails from my father are like puzzles. They take a lot of putting together in order to figure out what they're saying...it's not that he doesn't have a decent vocabulary, it's just that he doesn't organize thoughts well. It's vaguely amusing.

2003-04-22T18:31:00.000-05:00

I feel so...stagnant. I'm having fun...well, most of the time I'm having fun...but I'm not moving. I've not been going to work. I haven't been studying for the tests that are coming up so soon. I haven't found a job for the summer, nor have I decided what to do for work next semester. And oddly enough, the thing that I want to take charge of first in my life is the one thing that I have to simply take as it comes...my love life. Oh, sure, my sex life has had some stuff of its own going on, but it's been making no sense as of late. I would love to fulfill myself in more ways than one for once. And whereas I am capable of doing all of those things that I'm putting off, this is not something that I can get by pushing for it.

2003-04-20T15:08:00.000-05:00

Normally this is not one of my favorites...but today I liked it.

So, this weekend was good, but it had enough annoyance to remind me that I don't want to live at home anymore. I can't really avoid it as of yet, though. In non-depressing subjects, I have two songs of the fortnight...Like A Prayer by Madonna and The Remedy by Jason Mraz. The latter was in my head repeatedly as of late, and I've successfully identified it. The former is one of my favorite songs of all time. I listened to it before the vigil to energize myself. I saw the music video for it this weekend, and was struck by something...I think my definition of feminine sexiness was defined on that video. The dark, curly hair; the physical attributes, shown a little more than one would expect in a church; the dancing in front of fire (burning crosses, particularly. oddly enough, the sexiest scene from any video, ever, in my opinion). Just pile that on to the various sexual things that I need to think through...

2003-04-18T14:35:00.000-05:00

Wow. There was an all-night Holy Thursday vigil in the lounge last night, to which I went...and it was busted by the cops. Now, prior to being interrupted, things were going quite well...I feel like I rewon a part of my memory that I had lost...I would have thought that I'd lost it permanently, but here it is. For example, at my grandmother's funeral way back in 1992, the song I'll Be There For You by Bon Jovi was in my head. Of all songs, that was the one. Sometime I need to look into where in my mind this song thing comes from. (In fact, things that I need to look into: the reasons behind the songs that get trapped in my head, my difficulty speaking from anywhere lower than my throat, my sexualy semi-dysfunction, my negative feelings toward authority...to name a few.) A lot of things were just popping up, I was cycling through various stages...and then the cops. The scene as they saw it: three guys in a classroom after 1am, two of them in shirts & boxers, with only a candle to light the room. I guess that would be disconcerting. I think that's all I can say about it right now...I'm still a bit confused by everything, really. It's so disorienting to be brought out of a deep place so abruptly. I might like to try this again eventually to get a normal experience of it...but I'm not sure. It was exhausting, and the way it happened made it a bit painful.

2003-04-16T11:22:00.000-05:00

Damn me, don't I know by now NOT to tell people about things like my fetishes? They just get used against me in ways that I both enjoy and despise...I have been marked, quite violently, and it pisses me off. I do not want to acknowledge things like what went on last night. I am not interested, yet I somehow end up participating in such things anyway, mostly because I pulled a stupid and talked about my favorite fetish. I know better, but somehow I'm still not capable of doing things in my own best interest.

2003-04-15T01:01:00.000-05:00

The mind is a tricky thing. I seem to have a lot of things that my mind treats as if they were fictional events, not that things that happened. Like, let's say, my childhood (esp. things involving my grandparents), the majority of my sexual experiences, a lot of the crazy stuff I did during my sophomore year of high school, all of that. Hell, I've already stopped dealing with most anything that's happened during college...most of it is still real to me, but not all of it. Why can't we all just let the mind accept things as truth? Why must I try to tell myself that nothing is real? In the SEE class, I remember something being said about the fact that our inner voices speak to us as our inner child speaks. My inner child is therefore very existentialistic, very annoying, and very deceitful. I guess I am good at those things, eh?

If you have not seen or read Arthur Miller's Death of a Salesman, do so immediately. I had to read it for American Lit, and I never had before...and it is devastating and brilliant. Really. I would pay a lot to see a live performance of it at this point.

2003-04-13T14:28:00.000-05:00

I scored
68%
on the classic 400 Point Purity Test!

Take the test here!

...yep, I'm a slut. Oops.

2003-04-13T13:09:00.000-05:00

Friday afternoon: I bought a tie-dyed shirt!

Friday night: no comment. Good night, but nothing to speak of.

Saturday afternoon: my parents came up, mostly because I needed to go to a store. I rather appreciated that, it was a good little event, even considering the ungodly crowds of Wal-Mart.

Saturday night: there was a very entertaining party out on 6th Street. Just people hanging around, talking, drinking...very fun. I ended up nursing 3 cups of various alcohols, with a shot on the side...is it odd that I prefer to drink for the taste as opposed to the effect?

Sunday morning: churches. By all rights I should not have been up by 8am, but I was...thanks to Shawn. The Catholic mass was incredible this morning...it's Palm Sunday, so they do things a bit more in-depth. I got to carry the sacramental wine up to the altar! Now, I must tell you, that has to be one of the more interesting feelings that you could get. I made sure that I was the wine-guy (Justin had the wafer, Shawn carried the money), because I felt that it would be appropriate to the themes of my life as a whole right now...it was. The entire thing was just amazing...how does Buddhist-Wiccan-Catholic sound? I'm going to try to keep my "Religions that I Identify With" list at no more than 5, but that might be a struggle.

2003-04-11T23:30:00.000-05:00

Honestly, life is just strange. For example, my keyboard recovers from its staticy lifelessness, and my cordless mouse suddenly starts misbehaving.

In more coherent developments, today I realized the joy of ledges. White Hall has an interesting ledge, quite fun to walk along, outside of some of the windows on the 3rd floor. I feel inspired to acquire lawnchairs...

Tomorrow the parents are coming up to Cookeville. I believe that they wanted me to come home this weekend--after all, when my mother hears that I'm getting sick she wants to step in as the caregiver--so this will work to appease them, and to fulfill some of my material needs.

And please, all of you...let down your guard and let life happen. Sometimes the unknown provides an interesting plot twist.

2003-04-11T00:20:00.000-05:00

Crossover tie-ins with other webjournals? Moi?

As I did not mention (partially due to sleeping until noon), I went to IHOP at 4am this past morning...because of good company and the severe love of the place that I have developed. As Alex mentioned, and as Kait heavily lamented, they are now serving "freedom toast". No, of course I did not eat anything called freedom toast...although the humor involved in eating food that is referred to in part by the phrase "stuffed freedom" would probably make my week. But seriously, folks...have we not ALL gotten a bit sick of the anti-Frenchiness of late? Isn't IHOP a bit behind the times at this point? They missed the loading of this here bandwagon by a good 3 weeks or so.

Also on the subject, to all those who actually consider this boycotting of all things French a good thing: do you have any clue where the Statue of Liberty originated? So, you ready to ship her back yet? (I've been wanting to use that in an argument for ages now, but I haven't had the opportunity.)

The song in my head for most of today was Borderline by Madonna. As if I wasn't already sick, why can't I at least get one of her really good songs?

2003-04-10T21:29:00.000-05:00

Static charge? Weeeeeeird...

So I call the Dell tech support hotline, and I'm told to unhook my computer from the AC adaptor and the battery. Then I'm told to hold down the power button for 10-15 seconds. Then I'm told to plug it back up and turn it on. Suddenly, the keyboard works. Apparently laptop keyboards build up a static charge over time, which eventually causes them to not work. The above process disperses that charge. Groovy, ain't it? And so unheard of, too. It makes perfect sense, but who in the hell would think of it unless it happened to them previously?

2003-04-09T21:52:00.000-05:00

My computer keyboard still doesn't work...and I'm getting sick. Fuck it.

2003-04-08T22:26:00.000-05:00

I finally put it together! Now I might actually make it look better...

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday
10:00	Physics		Physics		Physics
10:30	Physics		Physics		Physics
11:00	Honors American History		Honors American History		Honors American History
11:30	Honors American History		Honors American History		Honors American History
12:00		Intro to Philosophy		Intro to Philosophy
12:30
1:00
1:30
2:00	Intro to Research		Intro to Research		Intro to Research
2:30	Intro to Research		Intro to Research		Intro to Research
3:00	Elementary Programming		Elementary Programming	Physics Lab
3:30
4:00
4:30
5:00
5:30
6:00	Law Colloquium
6:30
7:00
7:30
8:00
8:30

Also to be added: peer mentoring for Honors 1010 class, WTTU timeslot(s), work, meetings.

2003-04-08T22:18:00.000-05:00

Call me Mr. Bitch.

I was GOING to write out a post about how I make a good (yet still insolent) bitch...I was distracted by IMs...and suddenly, the keyboard on my laptop stops responding somewhere between the letters "e" and "l". Would you think that I'm pissed off? You should, because I am. I hate technology sometimes. To be so convenient, it can be so inconvenient. If it weren't under warranty, I'd be calling up someone to help me tear into the sucker and fix it, if it's the last thing I do. However, it IS under warranty, so I'll not, just because I don't trust that I could fix it without making something worse or at the very least losing my warranty before its time. That would not be good.

So, as I was going to say, I've been a very helpful person. I enjoy being helpful. Conversely, once I become tired to a certain point, I start getting rude and occasionally have urges to physically throw people out of (or into) my way. And it all balances out...I mean, who isn't at least somewhat evil, when it comes down to it? I just wish that my evil aura didn't sometimes cause things around me to descend into chaos.

Well, that's just me being spastic. spastic (spass-tick) adj, adv, whatever the moment calls for: 1.) being physically jittery or clumsy in such a way that one causes some level of annoyance or harm to self, inanimate objects, or others. 2.) occasional inability to operate machines both simple and complex. 3.) lacking sufficient memory or other mental capacities that keep one functioning, but only at times. 4.) describing any of the above, or anything closely related to any of the above, in any way necessary. Generally an all-purpose word for such occasions. Derived from the word spasm, which refers mainly to uncontrollable physical twitches.

2003-04-07T14:07:00.000-05:00

Come get your fortune read!

Created by ptocheia

This weekend has been...hectic. Yep, hectic. The High ACT registration is currently winding down...not a moment too soon. It was great fun, but it's been tiring. More later.

2003-04-02T18:35:00.000-06:00

Within the past two months, a lot has changed. Oh, sure, I've already mentioned the fact that I've recently come to accept that I am bisexual*. What I don't mention as often is that I've become an emotional ball of goo. Remember that comic strip that I told you to visit a couple of posts ago? (Something Positive) It's making me cry like a child. I've cried over emails. I've cried over plays. I've cried over an episode of Six Feet Under. I've cried simply because of thinking about how much things have changed. Part of it is because I've stretched my empathy to new, previously untested levels (which I wouldn't recommend for those who are going through rough times, naive, or not used to being able to read people's energies). The rest of it is that I opened something up in my mind...a level of emotion that I blocked off long ago. There was a time when I had this uncaring facade that I put over everything. And now I realize that the last pieces of that mask are so small that they couldn't be pieced back together, ever.

*--There would seem to be a reason why I have felt compelled to mention this 3(?) times on this site. I know of about 4 reasons, and maybe I can someday work through them. But as it is, a lot of things still feel so strange to me...I mean, it'll be two months next week since things officially went nuttier than ever before. Umm...no pun intended.

2003-04-02T16:02:00.000-06:00

I agree very strongly with this article on the protesting of war.

2003-04-02T15:47:00.000-06:00

I've had to really consider the motivation behind working. Why should I choose to go to work? Because it's a way to get money, and it kind of requires energy. Why do I need money? Well, getting a car is unlikely...it will make no difference towards tuition with the money that I could make in any given day at the motor pool...or even any given week. So I think that there are sometimes more important things to me...whether it be relaxation, helping out with the Honors program, food, friends, studying, just sitting in the out of doors.

2003-04-01T22:27:00.000-06:00

There is a website that you...YOU...should go to, and you should read the comic strip. It's called Something Positive.

"You know, for a lesbian, you seem to suck a whole mess o' dick."

2003-04-01T11:13:00.000-06:00

April is here, and I'm not dead.

2003-03-31T21:45:00.000-06:00

I am behind on studying for Criminology. I am behind on an American Lit paper. I skipped work today. I managed to get the flyers for the Eclectic Society put up in the residence halls. I worked on an Honors question sheet for Dr. Hood. I went to an Eclectic Society meeting. I went to a Big Sib/SOL meeting. I went to all my classes. I ate 2 meals. And that is all of today. I NEED to write that paper, and to study for that test on Wednesday.

Oh, I also registered for next semester. I'll put together a table for you, and then I'll post it.

2003-03-29T16:29:00.000-06:00

So here I am, in Rockwood. I came home for money, and I got it, in more ways than expected. I managed to find time to see a German sheperd puppy today, and that was a good thing. I went shopping for things that I didn't need (including a cordless mouse, which is an incredibly nice thing), which always makes one feel better. I had an...interesting...time early this morning in the company of Leann. (Although this has nothing to do with anything, yesterday was apparently Mange and Scabies Day. Go figure.)

Last night I was really weirded out by my love of knives...I never realized how much I can enjoy the Knife Collector's Show on QVC. It's odd how much I enjoy such simple, shiny, sharp objects...as long as I can control them.

I've been meaning to journal about some things for the Minnows mailing list...about love, about war, about several things all looped together into a common theme, and I'll probably take the time to do that tonight. This is getting sad...as opposed to writing about what I want to write, I just write about the writing of it. Sometime I'll correct that. And maybe you, the website, will get to enjoy the product of it.

2003-03-26T23:17:00.000-06:00

About that sleeping thing...make that 5 out of the last 7 mornings. Because I overslept this morning I fell out of the curve in my criminology class...and yet I think I can deal with this stress. I have only one stress that is really weighing me down...it's the same one I've been mentioning for days on end...and I think I can make it better. There's always hope for tomorrow, eh?

Oh, and on another note...I have come to hate initiating conversations on AIM. It makes me nervous. That might need to be worked on...

2003-03-25T19:46:00.000-06:00

Hmph. Somewhere in the one-track portion of my mind there is a train derailing, like clockwork, every 4 hours and 38 minutes to be precise, and it's been doing this for at least a month. For my own mental health, I need to say what's on my mind, but things are not working out in favor of that. I've overslept for 4 out of the last 6 days. My mind keeps flipping back and forth between positive and negative. I keep getting distracted. I'm still letting myself get sucked into things that I do not want to do in the least, and I'm not even enjoying some of the things that I do want to do. I have lost a good bit of control over my urges and such. I have this huge craving of one simple thing...physical contact. But I'm picky about where I get it from. I know someone who loves physical contact with me, but I don't even like to be in the same room with her. I need one last round of fun from a place that should not be a viable option anymore, but I don't have the ability or the occasion to ask for it as of late. I feel as if I've been acting insane for days because of this, and maybe I have. I certainly feel as if I'm being obsessive at times. I keep making these long posts so that this stuff doesn't just keep kicking around in my head, but I really need a chance to have a private conversation in which I can say what I need to say, let them respond, and then go from there. I'm not expecting much...there's not time for much on anybody's agenda at this point...but I need a clear-cut resolution, and I need for things to be out in the open. Then maybe I'll stop posting such massive amounts of whine.

After all, life is going fairly well as a whole. I'm being productive. I'm doing decently as a whole...although things have been slipping, partially due to the stuff that's in my head. Nothing overly odd is going on. I'm just absorbing too much unneccessary complication.

2003-03-25T14:25:00.000-06:00

Today was the first day during which I was capable of looking at updates on the war. What I found was interesting...it made me glad to hear that the people of Basrah were able to rise up with support from U.K. troops. They're protesting and acting agains the Iraqi troops knowing full well what is likely to happen to them, and that is a powerful...both beautiful and terrifying...thing. In the same article that I linked above, however, there were some truly sad, disgusting things said. I have been made angry, but I also have gained hope that maybe the oppressed citizens of Iraq have enough strength and spirit left within them that they can make a better life out of the wreckage that we will inevitably leave them with....

2003-03-24T21:18:00.000-06:00

The two weirdest scenes from my dream(s) last night:

I visited the high school for some reason, and I decided to stop by the bandroom. Everyone was sitting in clusters doing nothing, and I saw my old friend Doug in one of these clusters, so I decided to speak to him first. I touched him on the shoulder, and he turned around, just staring. I apologized for not contacting him in so long...he gave me this odd half-hug and continued to stare blankly. I asked him if he wanted to talk sometime, and he shook his head...it was rather apologetic. It was at that point that I noticed Sarah...ah, good old Sarah, old friend, ex-girlfriend of both me and Doug, someone who knew me better than I ever let her know...watching me with that same old flirtatious/scheming look on her face. Oddly enough, everyone in the room was speaking except for Doug & Sarah.

Then, in another scene, I had somehow missed my fencing class (the one for tomorrow, I think it was supposed to be). But near the end of class I ended up going by to lurk outside of it. Somebody who talked as if he was one of the class' experienced helpers saw me and hunted me down to talk. Only he wasn't one of the helpers...in fact, I don't know that this guy can even fence. The guy I talked to is (I think) the head percussionist for the Tech band, and he was telling me how much I suck at fencing with complete sincerity and apparent knowledge of what he was talking about.

Not only did I have these dreams, but I overslept. I managed to have a fairly good day, but these dreams were in some way holding me back throughout. My subconscious was definitely dealing with those nagging doubts about how others perceive me...I just felt moderately blown away by it.

2003-03-24T00:19:00.000-06:00

It's been a looooong but appreciable weekend...and now I need sleep (which is, of course, why I am journalling right now. Logic? Nah...). Last night I went to the ASG Formal...I actually enjoyed it, even being one of those single guys. Maybe next year I'll pick me up a date...I mean, I have a theoretically huge dating pool to choose from, right? Then why shouldn't it work? (I will not answer that, even though I can.) And, of course, today was entirely taken up by Honors stuff...always good, often tiring.

Most importantly to my tired brain, however, is the fact that Jenn and I rode the mechanical pony at Wal-Mart tonight!!! It was a great moment of childhood memories combined with decidedly "adult" connotations. At first I had to put my feet down to get it to move...apparently those things don't like holding about 185 pounds of me. Well...as I said at the time, it certainly was an interesting feeling when I picked my feet up again. (Yes, the pony illicited an interesting response from the physically needy part of me. No, let's not go into that.)

One last thought...remember that drunken courage to face what I want? Well, that faded away pretty effectively.

2003-03-22T10:43:00.000-06:00

I got my inebriation that I was looking for. I think I wanted to block out my contemplative mood, but instead I gave it fuel...well, circumstances beyond my control really fueled it. But I think it gave me the courage to find what I want...now, whether or not I keep that courage is a good question.

2003-03-21T18:50:00.000-06:00

Okay. So far, no grocery store. Which means no use of imbibements. As far as life in general is going, I have fallen in love with a black armband. It is very much intended as anti-war commentary, but I just generally enjoy it, and will probably wear it every day, at least as long as there is still war. And then I'll find other use(s) for it...I will probably wear it on the upcoming Nat'l Day of Silence, for example. Now, to speak a bit deeper, I've been slipping into one of my weirder moods lately. I keep wondering how I can feel closer to someone than ever before, yet simultaneously feel as if they're slipping away from me. I am feeling the weight of physical desires...but I can't bring myself to ask for so much as a hug...maybe because the kind of hug that I want is not the kind that you often see in public, especially between, let's say, people of the same sex. :) (Oh, it's not as if I didn't already mention things that would make that obvious, lemme alone.) The presence of sex in my life has not always been a good one...I feel very dysfunctional, and I have things to prove to myself. I need to branch out, I need to experience things for better or for worse. But man, that next step is a doozy, especially when I have a person that I'm comfortable with, almost within reach but so far beyond my grasp...

Brrr. Still a bit unsure of whether or not I want to be talking about such things...it's a moment-by-moment process.

2003-03-20T23:00:00.000-06:00

Thoughts.

1. I refuse to watch news for the moment. Absolutely refuse. I know that the war is there, and I don't want all of these details until the end. Or at least, not for a while.

2. History test tomorrow. Think I'm ready for it. Not 100% sure.

3. Studying is better when done outside on a sunny day.

4. Last night I did something not too good...not because I have a moral problem with it, but because I didn't enjoy it. And therefore I'm being vague. Sorry.

5. I want to go to the National Honors Conference (there's another C in NCHC that I don't know the meaning of), but I don't know of anything to present. But it's in Chicago!! In November!!

6. I get tired awfully easily...my energy is kind of like a pendulum lately. Kind of annoying.

7. Tomorrow...fitness center, grocery store, using up all or part of the imbibements (is that a word?) that I have. If at all possible.

2003-03-20T10:22:00.000-06:00

Today I found this. Last night the war officially began. Now, yes, Hussein is a criminal many times over, as are most (if not all) of his underlings. But why, exactly, do we choose to simply fly over and bomb the shit out of a country? Why is this considered a viable option? Oh, and one more question...since when is it so wrong to disagree with our president? Obviously we didn't need the support of all these countries if we're doing it anyway...so why are people getting so riled up? It's not like all Americans support what America does...people are expecting a little much out of the rest of the world.

No more ranting for right now. Let's all just be peaceful where we can.And since we're thinking of comic strips, here's a little bit of retro-ness:

2003-03-19T17:48:00.000-06:00

I say to thee, nyet. Today there were tornadoes not too terribly far away...and, well, I somehow ended up being outside for a long period of time today. Because I'm just smart like that. And I had more to say, but my mind ain't thinking right now. Oops.

2003-03-18T14:40:00.000-06:00

I feel like I've done my good deed for the day...assuming that things work like I think they do, I might have just saved some friends hundreds of dollars. With an email. Of course, anyone else might've done the same...but I did it first. By choice. And I feel pretty good about that. I am my own recognition in this case, because even if the forms don't work, I still put forth a little friendly effort. That's all the patting on the back that I need for the day. Thank you. :)

2003-03-18T11:23:00.000-06:00

Is it odd that most of the compliments people receive are based upon the most superficial things...clothing, hair, random objects that they own? It might be normal...I mean, I am fairly proud of my tastes and my grooming habits...having compliments made about my hair color is especially nice since the dying. But it seems so shallow to hear these conversations: "Neat cellphone!" "Thank you." I don't know exactly what I'd rather hear...I mean, it's not like people carry around their creations or show off their talents wherever they go. Well, some people do, but that's not my point. In fact, I don't know where my point is going. It just all seems so odd and pointless to me sometimes.

I feel like any creative drive I have is not being fulfilled. I know I have some creative talent somewhere, but I just haven't been able to focus it or identify where it lies. That's not such a good thing. Hmmm...I need a muse. They make those, right?

Now, to consider work. What? Where? When? I already know that I am NOT working in the motor pool at any point after April. I just have to figure out what I really am doing. Heh...figuring something out ahead of time...that doesn't happen nearly often enough.

2003-03-17T23:31:00.000-06:00

Given all the unChristianity I've been feeling over the past lifetime or so, I find it interesting that, as I've come to the most controversial point of my life as of yet (ooh, scandalous!), 2 churches are providing me with some powerful feelings. The Catholic church is giving me an energy, a community, a feeling of connection to that energy that is basically god. Unity made me cry, a lot. It was this song, "The Prayer", as sung by Shawn and John, which I really wish they could put on cd at some point. I'd listen to that and be an emotional nutcase all of the time. And then it was the meditation. And then it was the lesson. The second half of that service was the most powerful thing in...oh, a while. Yesterday was just nice.

Well, today's not been bad at all itself.

Planning!

...I've already started seeing to it that I can live in the Honors dorm next fall, and it's basically guaranteed.
...I've already looked into a pair of classes that I can take at Roane State over the summer...web courses, even.
...I've already planned out a tentative schedule for next fall.

2003-03-15T16:56:00.000-06:00

I've been journalling obsessively as of late, in case you haven't noticed. It's a side effect of being alone. I am only alone because I don't feel much like inviting myself over to someone else's room at the moment. I'm also waiting for a message about whatever it is that I may be doing tonight...even though I have no idea when I might be getting this message. Things are going well, but...dammit, I need physical contact. I think that's most of my problem right there. I'm glad to be back here, but I'm not mentally prepared to get back to work. Is it wrong of me to crave sex as a means of getting my mind back on track? (Answer: no, it's not wrong. But it's complicated, and a bit chancy.)

2003-03-15T11:14:00.000-06:00

Last night validated my decision to come back here early. Things have taken a huge turn for the better.

...even if it took me an incredibly long time to figure out this game that I became the "it" of. There are certain substances that make a person slow on the uptake...

2003-03-13T21:49:00.000-06:00

There are days when you simply hurt, from the inside out, no matter what happens. Let's hope that tomorrow is not one of them.

2003-03-12T22:13:00.000-06:00

This sums it all up...his name is Drinky the Crow. I love him.

2003-03-12T20:27:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I'm still not done with all of the things that I must say today. It's spring break...the middle of spring break. The weather has been great as of late. I had one of the best days in a while as I was spending time with Leann and Kristi on Sunday. I've decided that Ashley is driving me back to Cookeville on Friday. And I'm being honest in a lot of ways that I doubted I was capable of. What else has to matter? Life is growth.

Now, Iraq. Let the damn inspectors scour your entire country and report what you actually have. And if you want Georgie to NOT kill you, let an international police force take Sadaam Hussein and his "posse" to whatever international court is applicable. Then some of us U.N. countries are going to install enough military force to keep you guys from being taken over by someone just as bad. Then we'll abandon you in a while and let the process begin again naturally. Doesn't that sound nicer than war? Oh, and Tennessee? Just use Georgia's model for the lottery already. Sheesh.

Thank you, I'm here all...well...until I'm not.

2003-03-12T18:14:00.000-06:00

However, here's my horoscope:

"There will be times when you wonder if all the effort and sacrifice are worth it, but don't despair, because it won't be long before you begin to see results. If you give up now, you'll regret it later when Saturn leaves your birth sign."

Okay, so it's not perfectly in time with things, but it is easy to see a possible connection. So, why shouldn't one believe horoscopes...especially if you can make them happen?

2003-03-12T17:06:00.000-06:00

Most people tend to imagine that their parents are not perceptive. Even I have been guilty of this, knowing as well as I do the concept of natural-born "magical" abilities (i.e., the ability to read a person and know almost instinctively what they are thinking) and such. As well as I know how perceptive her sister can be, I still believed that I would never have to worry about this sort of thing. As well as I know that mothers can guess where the problems are in their childrens' lives even if they haven't spoken in months, I still convinced myself that she was blind. Well, in a way, she was always blind to what was going on, but that was purposeful. Well, suddenly I don't hide anymore, and in 2 intuitive leaps she asks exactly the right question. In a way that seemed so...brusk. So condescending. Naturally my answer came out rather bruskly. And then I fixed it. And then I made it worse. And then I got angry...and I still want to be angry. Because she started in on how I've always made myself not fit in to society, which apparently means that I won't be able to be a lawyer. Well, to hell with that. I know better.

Okay, so let's be open and honest here, too...I decided to simultaneously tell her that I'm bisexual and that as the plan stands I'm going to marry Leann in a few years. Stupid, stupid me...this was not a good combination. It's my life, but it's also not something that she wanted to hear. As I expected, she was almost less happy about the Leann thing...she said, and I quote, "For all you know, she's slept with like 50 people." My response? "Fuck you, mom. Fuck you. I know different." Not a high point in our relationship, you might say. And now I think we're going to act like that conversation never happened. I think I like that, at least for now. But I'll be damned if I do anything I don't absolutely want to do for her again.

Ummm...you know, I just admitted to being bisexual, to not only my mother but to anyone who reads this. Ah, well. I'm leaving it in there. Pish tosh.

So, before that happened, I dyed my hair red. It's lovely. That makes the day better. (Plus, my aunt & uncle had been here to spend the night last night. Also a good thing.)

2003-03-10T22:37:00.000-06:00

Bi-polar disorder is a natural human condition. I am never so stressed as when I am in the process of relaxing.

2003-03-10T13:32:00.000-06:00

Car, car, my kingdom for a car...or at least someone who can serve my whims that happens to have a car. Where does one find a good bitch these days? (Or, to put it more eloquently, I am striving to find my way back to Cookeville on Friday, and it is a questionably plausible effort. To be frank, it's either I do not do what I want to do or I find someone that I can impose upon, in the processing angering and confusing my parents. It's days like these...)

2003-03-10T00:11:00.000-06:00

Creepy...I think I just realized that there are some people that I go to college with that might actually read this thing, which means I might have to accidentally sound intelligent. Ack!

2003-03-09T23:46:00.000-06:00

Every day my life shifts. It occurs to me that it has been a month exactly since the biggest emotional shift that has occurred in recent months...and today my life is reaffirmed. Today I saw exactly what lies between myself and two of the most important people in my life, and it is all positive. Today I felt amazingly good...everything aligned perfectly. Today I realized exactly what I need to have happen at least one more time. Today was spent with Leann and Kristi, and that is the most valuable kind of day I can imagine. I don't care what else happens this spring break; I got what I needed.

Oh, and one more thing...I would like to thank "Mathieu d'Candelabra" for his impressed comments on my lack of Cokes. Boy howdy, I really wanted a bit of Dr. Pepper today...but I wouldn't give it to myself. Go me!

2003-03-09T01:08:00.000-06:00

Today has been a day of relaxation and acute mental pain. Not physical pain, mind you...although I have had quite a caffeine-withdrawal headache based on my Lenten discipline. (I've already been hit-and-miss on the meditation part of my discipline, and I think that as soon as I correct this, which will be the second I'm done typing this post, I will feel better. I might even light me up some incense, that'll be fun.) It could be that I just finished watching last week's season premiere of Six Feet Under. This show dredges up more and more feelings all the time, and I think the miriad ways in which my life has changed since the last season have something to do with it. I always feel this poignant existentialism after watching...I think that's one of the things that I love about the show. It also could have something to do with an emailed journal that I got from the newest of my close friends today, which drove me to the point of tears at least twice...in fact, I'm almost to that point again right now. It makes me more intensely sad to know that the pain I felt in his words is only a fraction of what he personally felt. I've said it before...I would rather that I could lift the pain from others entirely. I invariably internalize and have to deal with at least part of the pain anyway...if I could just help others with this, I would feel much more important. But I digress...whichever source you want to blame, I feel an acute sadness today, and I don't pretend for a second that the fact that I'm back in Rockwood for a few days has nothing to do with it. I had a very interesting conversation with my mother before coming home...frankly, she pissed me off. It has not lent to a feeling of being at home...in fact, I don't truly want to be here right now. But I am. I have hopes for going back on Friday...and I know what I want that day to be like. These irrational thoughts of possibilities have crept in, though I know fully that they will not happen as I imagine in all likelihood. But, hell...there's a reason why these various things affected me so terribly today. A very distinct set of reasons, in fact. Will I overcome this? Yes. I overcome a lot of things that I think every day. But this will stick with me...

2003-03-06T11:45:00.000-06:00

We've been combing this desert all damn day, and we haven't found shit! (A Lenten story)

First off, I hope that everyone catches both of the references built into that title. If you don't, then you probably shouldn't. So, as per a tradition that I had never previously followed (being non-Catholic), I had nothing but bread and water yesterday. This is interesting on a couple of levels...first off, bread and water seem to discourage physical energy. Secondly, it seems fitting for what the message of Lent is supposed to be...it almost makes coming back to regular food a let-down, spiritually. Meditation last night was very interesting...no describably different effects, just a deeply-felt energy...that is what some people call God. (It is a good title..."the human connection with the universe's infinite collective spiritual energy" is not an easy phrase.) Today, I've eaten regular food, and I am going to eat more soon...but NO COLAS! No Sundrop, no Dr. Pepper, no Sprite, nothing. I will hold to this. I'll let you know how I feel about this as time goes by.

2003-03-05T18:25:00.000-06:00

Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. No, I'm not Catholic, but I'm still taking part in Lent. I went to mass at 8am this morning. I've had nothing but bread and water all day. I'm not going to have a single soda until the end of Lent. I'm picking up a better schedule of meditation. And this makes me a better person.

2003-03-02T12:50:00.000-06:00

Life is still interesting. Life is always interesting, by nature, of course...but right now is still one of the most interesting times of my life. It's only been 3 weeks since something happened that caused me to admit a lot of things to myself. And it's been two weeks since there has been proper time to enjoy the benefits that came from this event, and that has me...ummm...frustrated, quite honestly. (Cue bitter laughter.) It's been 4 days since I ran into a situation which was kind of interesting except for the fact that I'm not interested...at all...in any way, shape, fashion, or form. (Besides, I was violently attacked...and my lips still hurt. No, it's not what you're thinking...I wasn't actually attacked, and it was perfectly normal behavior...except it was really painful.) I've decided that I'm now a sociology major--that already sounds so much better to me than "political science major", and I haven't even got the form finished to officially switch. This morning I went to Catholic mass...and I felt less despicable. Yay! Yesterday I worked sound as a favor on 0 hours of sleep. I had 0 hours of sleep because I had an interesting night of religious discussion and one of my favorite liquids of all time on Friday. (When necessary, Tang can be used to make a tasty screwdriver, especially when you're putting in less of it than the other ingredient...) And that's about it. Now let's go see what happens next. Good tidings.

2003-02-27T17:48:00.000-06:00

Dear World,
Can you do me a favor and make sense for five minutes? Leave out the irony and the constant commentary that you provide, and allow me to just handle things my way for a little while. Please? I'll bribe you...

2003-02-24T11:33:00.000-06:00

Okay, I may not have watched the Grammys because I had better things to do, but I am very glad to see that Norah Jones did some major winning. My mother had bought this CD so that I would have it when I got home on Friday, and it is very easy to fall in love with. Seriously, seriously great stuff, there.

Now, I have things I need to do. I need to actually catch up on studying for some classes. I have physical needs that will enhance my mental state once I've attended to them. But most importantly, I have to write. I have a very important essay/journal to write, which I would like to someday share. It's burning a hole in my brain even as we speak, and I'm not going to turn away from the fire for much longer.

2003-02-21T00:25:00.000-06:00

I really wish, just for a while, that everything would just stabilize. I want to just be here, in Cookeville, nothing looming over my shoulder, able to spend quality time with certain individual(s) without any problems or interruptions.

2003-02-20T10:57:00.000-06:00

Last night I had a dream that involved deer hunting at a reunion of some sort. Only the deer would grow instantly out of little mounds in the dirt. Just imagine a baby deer growing from seeds, with all of these people just waiting around to enclose it and shoot it, every single person being someone I know, all excited to take part. It's kind of disturbing. And in the middle of it someone insulted my hair. What possible significance does all of this have to my subconscious mind?

2003-02-18T23:15:00.000-06:00

Once you have the trademark water leash it's easy to catch Sea Monkeys.

What I like to do is catch a Sea Monkey, fill a shot glass with Vodka, and drop the Sea Monkey in. Then you do the shot.

If you are really tough, than you can do flaming Sea Monkey shots!

Oh...my...god. Anyone want to assist me on trying out this little endeavor? Sure, it's cruel, but they die quickly anyway. And this is for a good cause!

2003-02-18T20:47:00.000-06:00

"You are the one that I've always dreamed of, I knew right from the start..."

I wish someone could tell me what that song is. It's from the seventies. It's sung by a man. If asked I can sing those two lines...not well, but possibly well enough to give someone a hint about the tune of the song. It's been in my head all day. I do believe that it came from a dream, in fact. But it did exist, I know this for a fact.

I'm having motivation problems right now...no, scratch that. I'm having prioritization problems. Well, is putting mental health and happiness, or personal needs for time, before class attendance really a problem? Ummm...yes, it is. Isn't it? I mean, I'm not cutting anything important. Just a little stuff here and there, where I feel that my time would be better spent elsewhere. I haven't fallen behind, I've just been not going everywhere that I need to go. Hey, I never claimed to be perfect...I'm just all-knowing, that doesn't mean that I manage my time properly. Maybe it's also that I'm mentally tired. I think I've implied that everything is just nuts right now...I'd give detail, but I'm attempting to do that on a person-by-person basis.

2003-02-17T22:27:00.000-06:00

Life is very funny sometimes. A night can entirely change your perspective on things, and that change can really open up a large can of worms. Well, that can of worms can turn out to be a lot of pleasant, positive situations with some deeply negative thoughts hidden under them. But I'd say it all works out for the best...here's to more truly fucked up days and nights to come.

2003-02-16T10:14:00.000-06:00

Big sib retreat: good. It actually wasn't a bad thing. Lots of friends, and I'm comfortable in the Honors lounge, at least. Watching the movie "Loser" with Jason, Tessa, & Jenny just because it came on: well, I've seen worse. Fazoli's: Yum! The time spent with Tessa & Jason as a whole: nice. The Vagina Monologues: amazing! This is such a powerful play, I recommend it highly. Big O's Donuts: tasty. My love for raspberry donuts is undiminishable. Time spent with Shawn, Nick, Kat, Deanna, and the various other people I saw throughout the night: also very nice. Going to Catholic mass today: yay! I love Catholic symbolism...it means something to me, at least.

2003-02-15T01:20:00.000-06:00

Follow-up:

I'm better now. I've de-empathed myself. I've done some thinking, which is a mixed blessing. The only issue that I can't wrap my mind around is the concept that, very shortly, a friend will definitely not be continuing to seek my company. I still can convince myself that there will never be another week in which we see this much of each other. And that makes me sad. It also is not necessarily true. But I digress. This was supposed to be me saying: ok, back from being out. Meditated, calmer. I do still have that piece kicking around, and I would feel too foolish to actually discuss it so that I'm not kicking it around anymore. Sleep.

2003-02-15T00:08:00.000-06:00

Holy hell. I don't even want to begin discussing what I'm thinking right now. I'm too tired. I've got a few too many things roiling around, most of which consists mostly of things that I would like to be able to use to help, comfort, or assist other people. Some people don't really need help, comfort, or assistance. At least not what I have to give. And some people I'm not really in the right place to help, more figuratively than literally. I think that will change. I am mostly just empathing on other people's stress or sadness. (Okay. Fine. To be exact, someone's stress, someone else's sadness. Plus my own general whatever-it-is.) I drove today. It was good, and I was being very helpful to someone. I wrote a paper tonight on a different computer. I keep trying to think to myself that it wasn't properly saved, but I guess I'll find that one out tomorrow. It wasn't properly sent to my email, at any rate. Now I just get the honor of telling myself things...I wasn't being a real help to anyone today. Someone else would've been better. I really was becoming out of place. I got a lot of time from someone this past week and now that person feels tired of it. I'm a whiny little bitch, rambling about things without use. I just create problems so that I can whine. Why is it that everything comes back to the same issues, which I've gone over, about which I know better, but that I still can't get out of my head? I think I need to have a cigarette for the first time in a while, and while I'm smoking it I need to concentrate on clearing out both the irrational thoughts and the negative feelings that I've picked up from others. I wish that I could lessen those feelings for others when I pick up on them...after all, I can deal with them. When I zone in on someone else's feelings, I can get past them in ways that I can't get past my own. Now, if only those people who can deal with things empathically without getting bogged down by them could just absorb and work through the big problems for others. Everyone would be better off. But no, it doesn't work that way, dammit. Cigarette. Then breath strip. (Must buy more breathstrips!) Then meditate. Then find some way to amuse myself until I can tire myself out. Then brush my teeth. Then meditate some more. Then try to avoid reminding myself of all of the things I should have done by now. Then sleep. Then wake up. Then shower. Then go to the big sib retreat, and let life be. I will not wish for selfish desires...they might come true later on. I will sleep soon. Thank you.

2003-02-13T23:12:00.000-06:00

I decided to revise my background info page tonight, now that someone's actually read it.

2003-02-13T22:32:00.000-06:00

Yay, Jeffrey! I drove the car of the president of the university today, by myself. I knew I could it! Which is good, because tomorrow I'm driving Shawn to the optometrist. Driving off of campus...that's a big step. I'm ready for it. And he trusts me to do this, which is very good to know. I trust myself to do it, too. After all, the only reason why I don't have a car is because of two cases of mistakes of inexperience. They didn't occur in normal road situations. Therefore, I have no nervousness about it. At all. Really.

Plus, I kneaded(sp?) some bread. And helped someone with major issues in their life. For all of these reasons and more, today was good. So, my favorite song of those I heard at some point today: Ruby Tuesday by the Rolling Stones. I looove the music of the Stones. It makes me happy. Then again, so do a lot of things. That's why I'm easily amused, and you should be, too.

2003-02-12T20:21:00.000-06:00

So much happened, so little to say...suffice to say that things are going well, and there's a large chance that they will get even better as time goes by. Of course, my purpose is not to type about things that I'm not going to say publicly...it's to say that at WTTU, they had these Valentine's Day mix cds, and I got the chance to play That's Amore by Dean Martin on college radio tonight. That amuses me.

2003-02-11T13:56:00.000-06:00

Good things come to those who deserve them, whether they waited or not.

2003-02-09T01:14:00.000-06:00

Once upon a time, not too long ago, I would've unequivocally said that self-help courses, i.e. "Self Esteem Enhancement", were just cheesy things for people with no ability to deal with life. Well, that would have been my cynical side talking, so I would think a bit more harshly about them than about things in general...that cynic is a real bastard, after all. Well, I've taken Self Esteem Enhancement. I'm 75% percent done with the class. And that cynic is much more cruel to me than he ever was to any self-help class or support group. This class has done more for me than any other that I think I could possibly ever take. Honestly. I've worked through a lot of my resentment for myself, especially the resentment that I collected that time I threatened to kill someone that I cared so deeply about. (Hmmm, remember when that happened?) I mean, damn, I really used that to beat myself up for a looooong time, when it was never worth it...hell, she got over it years ago. ("Are you so sure of that?" Damn you, mindtalk, I'm trying to type here!!) I've worked through a good bit of my feelings about alienating my friends...fuck it, I know where I stand, I don't chase people off through my actions, and if they choose to avoid me (which has happened maybe twice, ever), I don't have reason to care (well, I've know that intellectually all along, but that god-damn sock puppet just won't shut up). I've even worked out my relationship with my family...well, with my mother in specific. It had gotten better at any rate, but I didn't feel genuinely different, I was just pretending...now I think I have it taken care of. Hell, if that's not enough, my first thing that I set out working through was my resentment about my car wrecks. That worked pretty well, but it's hard to avoid getting back to that when there are cars everywhere around you. Now I think I have only one more bitter resentment to think my way through, but it's a doozy...and it's an intensely private one. Intensely private. Intensely private. For reasons of personal comfort and happiness, intensely private. Beyond that, I just have my choices to run through...well, I do have one less private one, simply because I've never really thought about all of those leftover feelings from the Sarah days...not that that's a big one, I don't resent either her or me, but I do have a couple of bases to cover. ("There you go, taking an interesting post and making it mundane. Why does it always have to be about you?" Fuck off, sock puppet, I'm still typing, this page is inherently about me.) So, here's my lesson to all of you: don't be negative about self esteem enhancement courses. In fact, if you get the chance, take one, especially if it's the one given at TTU. Just a consideration.

2003-02-07T18:58:00.000-06:00

If I had a car, I'd drive somewhere tonight...to be exact, I'd either drive to Rockwood to see a friend for a while (not that I know which friend, but I can think of 4 or 5 possibilities...not that it matters), or I'd drive to Nashville & find some form of actual entertainment. Of course, I can think of many things I'd do if I had a car, even things as small as simply going to buy hairdye and cheese dip when I actually feel like buying them...which would've been about 3 hours ago. Ah, well...someday. At least I have everything done that I need to have done...sort of...

2003-02-06T17:37:00.000-06:00

I have a psych test tomorrow and I haven't even read half of the material yet. I have 3-5 page paper on my self esteem due Saturday, and it's not even started. So why the fuck am I blogging, you ask? Well, if you can answer that, let me know. Although I do have one piece of advice to you: if you're feeling up to some lovely, disturbing musical goodness that just might make you laugh your ass off if you're twisted enough...then go out and find A Lap Dance Is So Much Better When The Stripper Is Crying by the Bloodhound Gang. It's not exactly serious music, but what is? Well, if you want something serious, then listen to The Mercy Seat by Johnny Cash, or the original version by Nick Cave. Now, back to being productive...

2003-02-05T00:36:00.000-06:00

Life: class, work, friends, Alice. Repeat. Eat somewhere in there...in fact, eat with friends. Then back to Alice. I hated the banshees...now I hate the killer plants and the lobsters. Gor, those lobster things are frightening. I've never thought of lobsters as being horrificly ugly creatures before this game. And I still have to do things for that class this weekend! Nice, ain't it? It was suggested to me that I watch the movie Drumline with members of my old drumline (J & Amanda, & Philip, that is...not the kids), and that would be great fun. Whenever it actually happens, that is.

Pssst...Laurie! I still read your site. Love you too.

Oh, and also...Leann, if you're there...I need Kristi's address. It was in your van last I knew.

So this is the content that I feel is worth posting onto a website...

2003-02-02T00:10:00.000-06:00

One thing I love: Alice. Two things I hate: the fact that I haven't been able to successfully make a copy of the disc required to play it, and the fucking banshees.

Oh, but I am very very happy that my computer is fixed. So very, very happy...

2003-01-28T10:44:00.000-06:00

I miss my computer. Here's hope that it will be fixed today.

2003-01-26T18:00:00.000-06:00

This weekend has been rather filled, thanks to Self Esteem class. I'm hoping this class works as advertised...I've had to focus on the negative things that I convince myself of...it's so far gone that I literally think, "You're being too fucking negative towards yourself, you're being cruel, it has to stop". Of course, that's pretty damn negative in and of itself. I need to work on it. A lot.

2003-01-20T19:38:00.000-06:00

First off, some good news: I had no classes last Friday because of snow. (Yay!) I made a trip to Goodwill & Fiesta Imports today...got me 2 shirts, a mug, some fingerless gloves. Then, the bad news: my computer isn't recognizing the modem or the sound card, so the company is replacing the motherboard. Do I think that is entirely necessary? Probably not, there's always a simpler way to do things. Do I care, since it's under warranty? Nope...they fix it, I'm fine. Also, I watched the new OZ last night, and...Saiid was killed!! The 3rd episode of the last season, and they're killing off characters from the very beginning...I think they're going to kill literally everyone...but it was Saiid, one of the most important, sympathetic characters. And he was shot with absolutely no warning. I can't wait for the next episode, of course.

Might be more cds in the proper section.

I love life. I love things in general. I don't love the fact that my computer is broken.

2003-01-16T12:36:00.000-06:00

Dammit, Leann, when you wished for snow on your birthday, did you forget that you wanted me to come home on your birthday? And while you're at it, can you inform me whether or not you're going to have your party? I mean, really, now. The weather map I looked at shows that there will be fairly heavy snow falling for a while, which is supposedly tapering off to rain...to which I say, nope, that'll be ice. I still intend to go home for the upcoming 3-day weekend. It might require that I learn teleportation, though. I guess we'll see, won't we?

2003-01-12T21:13:00.000-06:00

Everything is quite, quite boring...at least when I'm in my room. However, I no longer have the compulsion to stay in other people's rooms for long periods of time. I need books to read...hell, I need to write my book. It's in my head, I just can't excavate it into words as of yet. But, most of all, I need a car. If I had a car, I could get books to read from the public library in town...I'd walk, but this is a rather cold time of year. If I had a car, I'd go to the Goodwill "Superstore", and entertain myself infinitely. I will not entirely forgive myself for the reason that I can't do this, but I also know that, no matter what the circumstances, that must be fixed. Must. Must. I'll go through this semester without a car, sure, but I'll be damned if I'll do it for a third.

Posting songs: Love Reign O'er Me by the Who, followed by Sugar by System of a Down.

2003-01-11T22:15:00.000-06:00

Hmmm...I just realized something. Ashley dropped out of college, leaving me with a free iron. Sure, she can have it back, I just don't know how nor if she even cares about it. I'd forgotten it existed until I just pondered the reason for having this wooden plank in my room...I intended to convert it into an ironing board.

2003-01-10T22:06:00.000-06:00

Ya know, by now, everyone who watches or reads even a little bit of news knows about the (stupid-ass) cop who shot a dog in the head while questioning a couple on false suspicion of something (that something has never really been made sense of). And they may or may not have noticed that this happened in Cookeville, TN. And as anyone reading this quite possibly would know, I'm in college here in Cookeville, TN. I haven't seen the video of this as of yet...I intend to, as the morbidly curious soul that I am...but I truly, truly suspect that this city is going to be sued for big big bucks...dogs ain't cheap, after all, nor is the shock of seeing your dog shot in the face, along with the shock of almost being arrested under some sort of false suspicion. One thing I can say without feeling too cruel: I wish I was that couple's lawyer.

Things that I would like to do that my psychic predictions about my life are causing me to fear will have to not be done:
a.) I fear that I will not be leaving this state for good...possibly not even the county I was born in.
b.) Because of this, I'll have to commute to be able to make big money as a lawyer, and I also won't be as likely to be a criminal lawyer...well, I could still be a criminal lawyer, but there would be less need for criminal lawyers in this region, and I probably would be even less likely to do well as a defense attorney...plus, people hate defense attorneys, including people that my psychic predictions think I might end up married to, no matter what has gone before.
c.) The property where I would be living would not include any shoreline, not even a pond.
d.) I will be less likely to have a chance to run off to California and be a bartender for six months.
e.) There's this house that I need to have built...but I'm wondering how long it'll take me lawyering and my not-yet-to-be-revealed-wife-to-be-as-psychically-envisioned working the job that the psychic prediction says she will have to be able to afford to have it built.

However, my psychic prediction tells me that this house will have a spiral staircase, covered balconys off the 2nd floor, and at least one room hidden from the untrained eye. Plus, I'll always be able to vacation, probably often enough that I don't miss the fact that I don't live somewhere else. And there will be animals, and children, and I can laugh with glee as I convince children things, such as the "fact" that biting your fingernails will cause a ball of nail fragments to grow around your heart and kill you, or that, if you're a bad child, Santa will break into your house on Christmas and take things from you. Well, maybe not those specifically, but you understand the general picture, right?

2003-01-10T16:03:00.000-06:00

Holy fuck! Johnny Cash has remade Hurt by Nine Inch Nails!

2003-01-09T15:56:00.000-06:00

What I did today...

10-10:40: Criminology
11-11:10: State & Local Government
12-12:15: European Civ
1-1:50: Intro to Psychology.

Most days those will all last 50 minutes. Today, not so much. Also, there was lunch.

2003-01-09T11:40:00.000-06:00

A break in my 4 hours of class, since it's the first day and not all professors can talk yet...so, here I am. I think I'm really going to enjoy this semester. It should be said that college really is a wonderful thing to do...if it wasn't for classes, it would be the best place on earth. Of course, I say that now...but when I complain, it's normally because of some sort of manic-depressive downswing. In about ten minutes, I'll have to go to the next class...in fact, the same class I dropped last semester. Wheeeeee. Song of this exact moment: Venus In Furs by the Velvet Underground. The likelihood of me going in to work today is almost nil. Good luck and good night to all.

2003-01-08T00:56:00.000-06:00

Well, well, well...you know, I haven't posted very much lately. Tomorrow I return to Cookeville for the start of my 2nd semester of college...with very mixed feelings. I'm glad to be going back, but there are lots of little activities that I'm not so excited about resuming. But talking about myself has never been my strong suit, so I choose to instead present 5 Raves from the First Week of January:

1.) The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. If you have seen the first LOTR film, this is absolutely necessary. I enjoyed the first movie, but this one surpassed it on every level imaginable. I mean, who would ever expect that Sean Astin would deliver one of the most affecting speeches on film in recent years?
2.) the game of Spades...specifically when played in teams. I spent several hours playing this game with Candice, her mother, and Dana the other night, and I had more fun with that than I ever would have imagined...which, of course, is a good thing.
3.) X-Fan. As I may have mentioned once, I used to be a huge comic book fan (i.e., comic geek), and once you have it, you don't really lose it. So I found this site devoted to X-Men comics, which I used to read religiously, which goes a long way towards summarizing every issue of every related title...they have a lot missing, but it's still sufficient so that I can sort of see what's happened since I quit comics.
4.) The final season of Oz. If you don't watch this, you should...and then you should email me with a transcript, since the dorms don't have HBO.
5.) A Beautiful Mind. I watched this for the first time tonight, and it surpassed the hype.